Organize your Difficult Conversations
How do you handle your important conversations? Do you plan and organize your difficult conversations BEFORE they take place?
I am a reader. I have always enjoyed reading books to help me better understand myself, those I care about, and the world around me. The last two books I read, ‘Crucial Conversations’ by leadership consultants Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler AND ‘Without Offense – The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism’ by Dr. John Lund both taught me how to better handle important discussions in a way that is not offensive and can strengthen relationships.
Patterson and group defined difficult conversations as a discussion between two or more people where: (1) the stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.
I learned from Patterson’s group that “when participants hold back (because they are afraid of the consequences, want to spare someone’s feelings or don’t want to escalate a conflict) a true dialogue CAN NOT take place.” When you organize the difficult conversations, both participants should be open and remain emotion free.
One of THE most important things I learned in reading Crucial Conversations was to STAY FOCUSED. When you organize your difficult conversations you should be sure you clearly understand WHAT I WANT, WHAT I WANT FOR THE OTHER PERSON and WHAT I WANT FOR THE RELATIONSHIP. I need to also understand before beginning what I DON’T WANT the outcome of the conversation to be.
_ __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ __ _ “The only person I can directly control is myself.”
When YOU organize your difficult conversations, the authors of CC suggest you might begin with a dialogue much like this: “I’d like to talk with you about something that is getting in the way of my working with you. It is a little touchy, but I feel it will help if we can talk about it. When would you be willing to meet with me and discuss _______?” Dr. John Lund suggests you should ALWAYS ask permission to discuss the issue before you begin the discussion.
Start your conversation with Patterson’s groups ABC’s.
- What you Agree with or on
- Build & add on elements you do not agree on THEN
- Compare the differences
WHEN your difficult conversation begins to go bad do these things:
- Apologize when appropriate “The last thing I wanted to do was ___________ (hurt your feelings, make you angry). I do value you(r) ___________ (friendship, opinion, etc.
- Stay committed to the dialogue. Remember, you organized your difficult conversation so focus on how to move toward what you really hoped to accomplish. Then
- Explore THEIR perspective. Ask questions and mirror responses to guarantee you understand what they are meaning to say.
I do understand that many of these conversations surface when we least expect them. Just this evening I was sucked into one of these difficult conversations which I handled poorly. Medical studies now show that just a modest improvement in the ability to talk and connect with others corresponded to a two-thirds decrease in the death rate of those in later years.
Dr. Lund taught me in his book that when I hope for something that I have very little control over…that is a wish. When I hope, plan and organize something that I do have control over…that becomes a goal. Let’s take control of our emotions. It is of GREAT value to all of us to learn how to organize our difficult conversations. You can do this.
Today is your turn to better someone’s life. Leave a comment telling us what your most difficult conversations have dealt with and what the outcome of that difficult conversation was. Thanks for sharing!
Listen to my online show numbered 032 Organize your Difficult Conversations to hear Laura and I discuss this important issue.
2 Responses to “Organize your Difficult Conversations”
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March 12th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
I am so glad you found it helpful. Visit my show page. You would really enjoy some of the shows I have recorded that are now available through http://www.thewinonline.com OR through i-tunes.
February 22nd, 2013 at 7:38 am
You, my pal, ROCK! I’m so happy to read this. This is the kind of info that needs to be given so our discussions are conversations NOT arguments. Appreciate you sharing.